Rommel in the blender! Bad fic. *Really* bad fic.

[machiavelli-imp]

We all know that Rommel was an example to his men, wasn't interested in anyone else after marrying Lucie, was promoted to Hauptmann from Oberstlieutenant (I can never spell that rank!) before the 1930s (it was after Maiatur wasn't it?) and didn't obtain the sobriquet of "the Desert Fox" until the Africa campaign.
Actually, it's all a lie! A select group of fanficcers have decided to reveal the true nature of Erwin Rommel, including:

1. His unrequited and despairing love for Montgomery:
How could I? How could I not have known!
Oh God,
What can I do? You almost know me.
We have never met, face-to-face and
It has been you, Patton, and myself,

2. Or Patton, who at least writes back:
Something lies out there. I
Know it does, damnit.
You lovely genius--
If this was you and I--hell,
Take this...And you and I and all that made
me as far back as I fought wars:
as wars are fought:
this is you and I


3. Rommel wasn't really the author of Infantrie Grieft An. it must have been Patton in disguise:
"Schirach, you are, what was the word Gefreiter Gunnar Schade said?” Rommel asked.
“Asshat.” Klaupt replied.
“Yes, I think that describes you perfectly, Schirach. But since I’m in a good mood, I’ll let you come with us to Denmark. But if you make one attempt at f---king us over, you can fend for yourself, assuming we don’t kill you outright."
...
“What’s your name, anyway?”
“Emmerich Faller. And yours?”
“Erwin Rommel.”
Faller scoffed. “The Erwin Rommel? The guy who wrote that military strategy textbook? If so, you’re practically a German Sun Tzu.”
“The very same.” And when I’m done with you, Emmerich, you’ll have a copy of that book shoved so far up your ass that you’ll be throwing it up. “Holy s--t!” Rommel yelled. The other four looked and saw the two guards fall dead.

4. Rommel was promoted from Oberstlt. to Generalfeldmarschall in 4 years:

November 10, 1937
10:24 AM
“Your guns.” The leader said.
“Your name.” Rommel replied.
“Ferdinand Rupp. I’m the mayor of Hamburg.”
“You look like the mayor’s son.” Rommel said.
“Do not get smart with me, old man.”
“Old man? Kid, I am an Oberstleutnant in the German Army. I could hand your ass back to you in a heartbeat.” The leader responded by aiming a pistol at Rommel’s head.

That's all the sickeningly awful fanfiction involving Rommel I can stand for one day (or month). If you find some more, pst the appropriate excerpts here so we can snicker without having to read the rest of the cringe-inducing drivel.

[silverwolf]

Oh dear. Well, I can officially say that those weird ficcy-things have freaked me out. How could anyone shame our dear Rommel's memory, so?! Although, it *was* kind of funny when I read selections three and four...I had just come across that literally an hour ago...(yep, that amuses me.)

[machiavelli-imp]

I suppose if the premise of the story is "Germany invaded by zombies" I can't expect much. I did notice several more er...bloopers (for want of a "nice" term) such as Rommel being called "the Desert Fox" before he'd even set foot in Africa, but I can only stand so many insults to him in one day. If those oddities freak you out, I wonder what sort of things will be in the story I found the other day about Rommel being attacked by aliens. Honest! Aliens in flying saucers.
Oh dear...

[jilldragon]

.... *twitches*

That sound you hear is Logic curled up in the Muffled Weeping corner. Gah, that junk is painful to read, at least it's short! I do go by the theory that in fanfiction anything can be readable so long as the execution is good. That includes aliens in flying saucers so long as it's well-written, half-way believable, and an appropriate explanation is provided. These piece of dreck, however, are nothing but epic FAIL.

All that said, the mental image of Rommel, Monty, and Patton all having a threesome in N. Africa is amusing in a crack-out sort of way. Or maybe I've just read so much bad-fic that I've been completely de-sensitized, you decide. ;D

[kalendeer]

There was no slash in these poems.

Well, maybe the use of "lovely" by Patton was strange, but I have read these text three times, with an interval of 3 months between each reading and... no slash. I think it is purely symbolic.

[machiavelli-imp]

Well, maybe the use of "lovely" by Patton was strange, but I have read these text three times, with an interval of 3 months between each reading and... no slash.
Kalendeer, I think you might be right. It's certainly odd, but I'm probably (as usual) reading too much into things. It's a symptom of all those English exams about subtext. (Eeek!)
Just when I thought that had removed some of the Rommel badfic, I found a story about Rommel and Patton having a dramatic confrontation...in which Rommel has been used in a secret experiment by the SS and is now female. And furry. Do I really want to find that drivel again: I can't even think of it as a parody, it is so utterly strange? (However, there was a minor redeeming feature: the author did have Patton thinking that Rommel was a genius.)

All that said, the mental image of Rommel, Monty, and Patton all having a threesome in N. Africa is amusing in a crack-out sort of way.
*twitches guiltily*
After you said that, I think having only 3 hours of sleep and 1 meal a day for two weeks in a tropical country got the better of me. (Flight delayed for a week in Singapore. Long story. My admiration for Rommel and his stamina multiplied tenfold.) I actually started writing something along those lines, but I relocated the three of them to Australia. Well, you did ask for crackfic.

[kalendeer]

... I want the link. Totally. That's juste the kind of texts that I need before an exam XD Furry Rommel... at least he had fennec's hears ?

As for subtexts and stuff, I think we really could find a second meaning in the poem without having to search very far. But I'm not sure that was what the autor intended and as it can be read without slash...

(And yay for parodic threesome !)

PS : Anyway, only Patton can be a sissy enough to use the world "lovely".

[machiavelli-imp]

... I want the link. Totally. That's juste the kind of texts that I need before an exam XD Furry Rommel... at least he had fennec's hears ?

Uh, no. You don't want the link: not only is it drivel with no semblance of plot whatsoever, the Patton/Rommel is about as obvious as being hit by an 88mm Flak rocket. In fact, the fic provides an unintentional but disturbingly accurate summary about half-way through:
A grin appeared over Rommel's muzzle and she motioned for Patton to draw closer. Patton hesitated for a moment, but he could see in his foe's eyes an insatiable lust. He knew that this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make love to an anthropomorphic transsexual nazi.
....Riiight. Technically Rommel would be the opposite of anthropomorphised, since a human is turning into an animal instead of an animal being given the characteristics of a human. Yes, I'm picky that way.

At some point in time, I suppose we've all indulged in hypothesizing on what would happen if Rommel appeared next to us, but probably not while we're in bed (or at lest, we might not admit it), but I doubt anyone would imagine this scenario:
Rommel, supposedly thought to be dead, had had himself frozen in Antarctica for a number of years, it was his double that had been killed. Now, after years of thawing in the pacific, he was now levitating high in the air, still in his Africa corps uniform with benoculars around his neck, while over looking the US in a hot air balloon he'd bought off Ebay once his almost thawed body landed in Canada.
...
Gingerly, she opened her window and yelled at Rommel. After all, she didn't want an imaginary dead man hovering around her house in an imaginary hot air balloon. "ROMMEL! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU'RE DEAD AND YOU'RE IN A HOT AIRBALLOON. THIS IS SO TRIPPY!"
"Come with me! We can fly away! Far away off into the sunset."
...
"I never got to tell you. In these past few minutes, I realized, YOU, ANN, ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!"

Now how could a writer insult dearest Lu so much, by assuming that Erwin would prefer an hallucinating American to her?

The bizarre balloon story is www.fictionpress.com/s/1901794/1/When_Coffee_Goes_Bad and the Patton/cross-gender-half-fennec-Rommel squick is www.flankingline.com/fanfic/furrommel.htm. My brain is overheating. I must go and re-read some proper fanfic like "Of Snakes and Foxes" to recover. (*sniff* I can't believe you killed

SPOILER: Click to show

in the last chapter.)

[kalendeer]

... yeah, poor

SPOILER: Click to show

, and what a death. It didn't even left a body to cry on..

As for the bad fic, I'm definitly reading the furry one. I need my brain to die for some time.

EDIT :
"However, late in the war US troops overtook Rommel's secret hidden base. Leading the assault himself was General Patton. The German guards annihilated his troops, but Patton himself, Old Blood & Guts, killed every single Nazi and proceeded to Furry Rommel's hidden chamber."
OMG.
This was hilarating. I'm wondering if the autor was serious when writing this XD

[Jody]

*Twitches and backs away slowly* Meeps! And I thought I wrote some pretty cracked out stuff